What top 3 inventions would you murder a duck in a Jack in the Box parking lot for? (if you don't know the duck story yet please inquire within). Seriously though folks.... What 3 inventions could you make up that would better your life the most?
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I guess since I asked the question I have to be the first to answer....
#1 A Laugh-Track Ego Booster.
Definiton: a small concealed device in the ear of the narcissistic beholder mimicking the sounds of laughter ranging from a short giggle to spastic uproars. Used daily, often hourly,to make the user feel funny/important when jokes or stories fail to deliver in the "real world".
#2 Winelynol
Definition: A pill taken orally producing the effect of having a glass of wine throughout one's entire day. One may feel optimistic, courageous and overly confident. One may also feel a burning desire to belt out a version of Celine Dion's "Its All Coming Back To Me Now". Effects may vary.
#3 Kick-their-Ass Hologram Workout
Definition: A hologram of one's most hated historical figure/celebrity/person appears in one's living room to be drop-kicked, slapped, punched and cursed at for the benefit of fitness. Hitler-grams presently sold out.
Wow.. don't think I'll be needing any more Winelynol tonight ;)
Poison, that's where the money is. Often when I am annoyed, I picture using poison to make everything better. I'm not talking homicide, just something along the lines of explosive diarrhea.
So for example, when I'm at a movie and some asshole is flapping his or her gums, I would like to give that person enough major intestinal discomfort to require leaving the theatre and heading straight to the WC. Another case would be for the sleazy douche whose hand keeps "accidentally" rubbing against your ass during what would have been
your favorite concert. So I would like to have a poison that when sprayed on the menace's skin would immediately sink into the bloodstream and cause the desired abdominal cramping. This effect would last around 90 minutes.
Of course, this invention needs to be secret so as not to put it in the hands of the bad guys. Maybe some sort of three-obstacle test needs to be in place to those who apply.
I am open to suggestions for said three obstacles.
I would invent gogo gadget stilts attached to my cars undercarriage so I could literally drive over assholes in traffic. It would be a legal form of passing someone... I would also make a window in the floor of the car so o could flip people off as I pass over the top of them.
Next I would invent a high speed train that would make it so I could leave Chicago at 2:00 and be drunk at the Asti in Santa Cruz, ca with all my cronies by 4:00pm. Ps it would be free for be cause I fricken invented it.
I would invent a cat that had bunny ears and looked and behaved just like a kitten until it died which would be never or at the same moment it's owner dies. (both options available based on owners preference)
Oh my God, Erin, I'm not even going to try and compete.
Ah-larious!
Rarely am I rendered speechless by someone ELSE'S funniness...usually I only roll on the floor laughing at my own jokes...while I'm not on the floor right now, please know that I am in my office chair ROLLING across the floor laughing.
Plus you all said "Ass" or "Asshole" in your posts...that gives me an idea for an invention...
I guess everything I would invent ...the Jetsons already thought up..I'm just waiting for them.
#1 The machine that dressed Judy
#2 Dialing up a meal..one of my deepest desires!
#3 Where are the flying cars we were promised?!?!
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