1. If there was a movie made about your life, who would play the main characters?
2. Or, if you were to star in a reality show, what would it be called? Please describe the format, whether or not a prize would be awarded, and what station would most likely air it.
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4 comments:
I am assuming we can pluck any star from any time no matter if they are acting or even alive...SO:
Child Melissa:
The little kid from mad max with the mullet OR fred savage, wonder years era...I had his exact haircut.
Pre-pubescent Melissa:
Drew Barrymore from firestarter days or Linda Blair from Exorcist.
Teenage Melissa:
Alicia Silverstone (barf) from that Areosmith video.
Adult Melissa: MAria Bella...c'mon, let me flatter myself a little!!! Okay, okay, it be Rosanne Bar.
Senior Melissa: The lady who plays Bill Paxtons mom in Big Love (thanks mike) or Carol Burnet as mama from mama's family.
Michael would be played by...OH if her doesnt answer it, I will!
Reality Show = "The Universe vs. Shannon DeShambo"
Main idea: Let's see how much we can throw at Shannon before she breaks.
Common problem: said show is bound to seem unrealistic; it just wouldn't seem possible that one person can have so many crisis' one after another, day after day, week after week, and still have all her hair.
Obviously Fox would air it.
Cast of Characters:
Lydia: Milla Jovovich (Slav-y as hell. Plus she's sported the coveted orange hair.)
Mike: Hugh Jackman (Yes, please!)
Billy: Michael Phelps (insert drinking jokes: "Yo, Billy, let's go get phelpsed!)
Dad: John Goodman (I've wanted to hug him ever since his first appearance on Roseanne). Could also be the dad from the Wonder Years but he wasn't nearly goofy enough.
Mom: Dixie Carter (Her Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women makes me want to be a better woman. Plus, my mom loves the power suits with shoulder pads.)
Krista: Geena Davis in The Long Kiss Goodnight. (Insert middle school jokes about eye-liner.)
Melissa: Maria Bella. (She does have your chin.)
Sarah: Mayim Bialik in her Blossom heyday. If the time machine's broken, Angelina Jolie is my second choice.
Renee: The singer from the Shangri-Las. If she's dead, let's go with Reese Witherspoon.
Annie: Phoebe Cates or a grown-up version of the girl who played Small Wonder.
Also featuring my cats as themselves.
While tempted by the self-indulgence of casting a bunch of absurdly better looking than me people to play me throughout my awkward (and perhaps a touch boring) existence, I'll opt with the reality show.
It would be called "Douche Bag with the Stars." The basic concept is a camera would follow me around every week as I hang out in bars, restaurants, coffee shops, high-end car dealerships, etc. with Hollywood's most notorious douche bags.
The first episode starts with a montage of me adjusting one of the thousand hats I have to ensure there's the proper rakish list or fiddling with my pocket square so that it has the precise degree of "I don't even care what this looks like" to it and then the title appears over me taking off my sunglasses or something. Then we get the stupid reality TV collection of shots: palm trees, car wheels turning, chick on roller blades, the front of the restaurant. Camera comes up from my shoes (no socks), whatever bombastic suit I'm wearing and then me taking a pull off a cocktail.
Then Jeremy Piven and I harass the waitress for having too many ice cubes in the scotch and the berating is peppered with the phrase "Do you have any fucking clue who we are?" There's no interview, there's no lead-in highlighting Piven's career, we just go buy suits and douche it up a little along the way.
The episode wraps up with us going to the front of the line at a night club (by doing the half-hug with the bouncer and calling him "bro"), sitting around identifying the schmucks in the room and the final shot is Piven leaving a copy of Entourage (Season Two) as a tip (which, he's actually been known to do) and I leave a card saying "You're lucky we put you on camera."
Other ideas for episodes:
-Day at the spa with Ryan Seacrest.
-CD shopping with Kanye West (after a recent release of his album).
-Open-Mic night with Carlos Mencia.
-Lunch with Paris Hilton.
-Sitting in a coffee shop, looking pensive and smoking cigarettes with Robert Pattinson.
-Visiting a mosque with Christopher Hitchens.
-Being the vice-presidential candidate for John Edwards' campaign in 2012.
Each episode has to include me calling my "guest" exclusively by their last name, dropping the aforementioned "Do you have any fucking clue..." line AND (most importantly) either my guest or I make an unambiguously homophobic comment about Perez Hilton.
"Douche Bag with the Stars" airs Thursdays on Bravo after whatever iteration of "Real Housewives" they have going, but before the second airing of "Top Chef."
Thank you.
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