Thursday, June 5, 2008
chain gangs and mashed potatoes
You're on death row and the chef wants to know what you'll be eating for your last meal. Why are you in jail, who testified at your trial, what have you been doing while serving time, and what's the meal gonna be? And, lastly, what method of execution would you prefer and who would show up to it?
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BMG finally nailed me on the account I opened when I was seventeen and never paid a dime on. My little sister, who ended up with all the grunge crap I ordered, testified against me so she could inherit my clothes. While serving time I've been working on my pecks and tri-ceps (I look like Linda Hamilton from Terminator II now.) For dinner, I would like baked chicken (dark meat only), mashed potatoes with brown gravy, creamed spinach and a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins for dessert. Or possibly crawfish etouffe with french bread and collard greens, and pecan pie with vanilla ice cream for dessert. I would prefer a firing squad because I've always wondered what it would be like to get shot. My whole family would show up because they're good at that--showing up, I mean. And shooting guns . . .
A dimpus burger, hold the spit. Who wouldn't put a scoundrel like me in jail. My crime inspired by Mary Virginia involved scamming people on AOL for pretend laptops, I made a bundle. I am in a cold minnesota prison cell with a window, every day I pee out the window hoping one day to have an ice bridge made of pee. My execution would be long and agonizing like the last Indiana Jones movie.... Who would show up? Probably everyone, 5 bux a seat, pay up bitches.... Proceeds go to building a gold hand rail for my pee bridge.
*Crime: Smuggling a ridiculous amount of drugs to warrant a death-sentence. *Key Testimonial: The stupid girl who makes the big discovery by mistaking my Louis Vuitton luggage on "accident."
*Doin' Time: I would definitely ask where the rock breaking area is.
*Last Meal: A chain gang and mashed potatoes sounds good.
*Death by: Can I request a specific pleasure-inducing substance for my lethal injection? Heroine, then.
*Who would come: Definitely not as many people as my wedding.
I finally rob a bank because I have such emmense debt from parking tickets and man are they pissed at me. The other prisoners envy me but the gaurds want to whip me in the face. They hate parking offenders and they hate people who were richer then them. I eat lobster for my last dinner because im allergic to shellfish but im such a bad ass that Im not even phased by the antifolactic shock. after a few hours of swelling up and losing my ability to breath, this ends up killing me so they dont have a chance to throw me in the stingey-ouchy-chair! My loved ones are with me because they were arrested for aiding and abbeding and are in line to ride the lightening. I recommend the lobster!
Flank steak, Tacos Moreno Al Pastor Supreme, sushi, Ole English 800 and a conjugal visit.
Insider trading... and then I went postal.
I pretty much hang out in the shower all the time mean-mugging the other inmates in the nude and picking slap fights with Andy Dufresne. I always slick my hair back real tight with Murray's that I order in bulk from Ellis Boyd 'Red' Redding.
I'd invite all my friends and their girlfriends to my hanging and I'd tell them to come wasted (I won't have a "dry" execution). I'd make a iTunes Playlist for my death with The Clash's "I Fought The Law" and Santogold's "Lights Out" blasting from the speakers right as the rope goes tight.
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