If you were a "good canditate" (bad-habit free and chock full of stellar genes) and if it were super easy, safe and profitable....Would you donate your eggy-weggys or a few sperm to help a family or a few families make children? If so, what is the "max" amount of unclaimed children you would be comfortable siring? Lastly, would you check the box on the form that says "Yes, let them kids track me down when they're 18!"?
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Egg donation is my backup plan if grad school doesn't work out. I hear it's lucrative, but I'd have a few issues to smooth over before making little Lydias available to the masses.
1. I hate paperwork and I can only imagine the stack of forms to fill out would be overwhelming. Not just because DNA is serious legal business but, more importantly, because I've got more mutants in my blood lines than Gotham City. One mention of "Love Canal"and they'd be showing me the door. What, birth defects aren't in? Don't hate, hypothetical wasp families. Think of how impressed your neighbors and fellow-PTA board members will be when Lydia 3.0 whips out her upside-down ribs and backwards elbows. Don't worry, the heart holes generally close up by age 8. But the parlor tricks last for life.
2. I'd need to be put on some SERIOUS anxiety meds. I'm already pretty sure there's a direct video feed from my bathroom to YouTube. I don't even trust my kittens now that they've been microchipped.
I think the world needs way more Melissa's so YES YES YES I will give you my eggs. I know you have all been trying to find a way to ask. My only requirement is that you teach them mini-Penny's a few valuable family traditions:
1. Teach them how to sing "White Lightening" by George Jones and to stomp their leg and slap their knee while performing this Penny-Family anthem.
2. Teach them how to draw their own eyebrows on, because if they are any kin of mine they will be bald in the eyebrow region. People judge the hell out of us "hair-lesses", so you have to train them to be stealthy with a brown number 2 Revlon Pencil.
3. Explain to them that they will someday they will battle something I call "Squirrel Syndrome". The symptoms include being fixated on Squirrels, beavers & kittens. They will have to constantly fight urges to take a sudden left into the Petco parking lot and adopt 4 kittens and they will need to detour away from parks in order to stave off urges to tackle squirrels and take them home and pet them until they are bald.
It is easy parenting a Penny. We are very nice and don't grow too tall.
So...yeah, I am an excellent candidate for egg donation. just Facebook me and I will mail you a cooler full of my golden seed.
The sad thing is that I'm not "bad-habit free" and I'm definitely not "chocked full of stellar genes". So if I were to sell an egg, here would be the brutally honest Craigslist ad:
OVARIAN EGGs: PROBABLY STILL GOOD
Dark haired, blue eyed 26 year old female looking to sell egg(s). Family history of Retinitus Pigmentosa, Osteoporosis, Epilespy, Skin Cancer, Breast Cancer, Heart Disease, Alzheimer's, Scoliosis, OCD, ADD, and Hypochondriasis. Hobbies include: late night blog writing after 2.5 glasses of red wine. If interested, don't hesitate. The longer you wait, the more damaged your baby's genes will be.
If I could stand the idea of a little Renny out there, I would have donated my eggs a long time ago. You can get like $6K for them! I mean, that could seriously be my only job if I donated constantly. But I really have a hard time accepting that there could be a baby that is half me and isn't mine to take care of. Oh, biology, why do have to keep me from all that money?
I like how men get like 12 bucks for there sperm, and they don't give a fuck if that kid is theirs.
Eh- my goods are damaged. I don't think one is supposed to drink a 6 pack a night for 2 years straight. Call it alcoholism, I call it birth control.
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